To all moms, future moms, or anyone trying to make sense of what’s important in a world full of big opinions

It’s been awhile since I have updated the blog. Since I have last written, Tony and I welcomed our little girl, Jemma Ruth Luiken. Needless to say, a LOT and I mean A LOT A LOT has gone down in my heart and learning since I last wrote (almost six months ago!).

Is parenting hard? Yes. Is it worth it? A thousand times yes. I think the number one thing parenting has taught me is my selfishness. Before I had Jemma, I thought that giving up my time/ agenda/ priorities would be easy. I think I thought oh my gosh how can moms who stay at home complain they have all this time on their hands. But man does a baby take up so much more time than I realized. And it always seems like the times I want to be the most productive are the times little girl has other ideas in mind. God is teaching me to let go of my to do list and cherish these times with my girl. Hold her, love her. Let go of my need to check off the boxes for my day and just smell her baby smell and sit and snuggle. I heard the other day that your work as a parent is eternal work but your jobs/ to do list/ clean or not house will come and go. So true. I want my girl to know how much I love her and that she is forever more important to me than any task I could accomplish.

Something else I am learning through parenting? Man the comparison game hits you hard. I thought I would handle all the opinions because I like to think of myself as a person who is not afraid to share what I think. But as soon as you get pregnant, it’s like everyone feels like they need to share everything they ever learned about parenting. It gets worse when you get bigger pregnant because you become a visual conversation piece. I would walk into a room and people would see that I was pregnant and they would just start sharing labor and delivery stories and breastfeeding stories, etc, etc.

When I would drink coffee while pregnant, people felt the need to share they didn’t think that was best (even if I was drinking decaf). People would ask about whether I was  going to deliver natural or epidural, was I going to breastfeed or formula feed, what kind of toys/ gadgets would I get. The mom game is full of questions like sound machine or no sound machine, vaccines or no vaccines, day care or stay at home, co sleeping or separate crib, pacifier or no pacifier and man the list just goes on. And I know it doesn’t get any easier because then your kids get older and you start worrying about how they are doing compared to other kiddos developmentally and how they are eating solids and what time to put them to bed (and man things like who they are going to marry, their career, oh boy!).

Recently, I have been podcasting and it has been SO GOOD. I highly recommend the podcast Risen Motherhood for all mamas. It has been rocking my world and reminding me of the gospel BIG TIME through all this madness. Podcasting has been a huge blessing as a mom of a little because you can listen to it while you are feeding, cleaning bottles, cleaning dishes, changing diapers, walking with the stroller. You can get little tidbits of truth and nuggets for conversations. I used to try to watch TV while feeding and I quickly found that it left me feeling empty. I am loving the podcasts that are full of the rich depth of the gospel and help center my heart on the Lord.

Anyway, back to the comparison game. The biggest truth I have been learning is just that the best thing we can focus on and teach our kiddos about is Christ. If all we think about/ worry about/ talk about during the day is our gluten free diet or why we like vaccines or why breastfeeding is better or why the sound machine is better, then we have MISSED the big stuff. We should be focusing on pointing our kids to Christ. Letting our hearts and our minds rest in the truth of God’s Word and letting our kids see that we care most about the eternal things. We can ask ourselves: “Am I constantly talking about ________? Do I try to convince others to do ___________? Do I judge others who don’t do _________ or do __________?" If so, I probably have the sin of pride and arrogance going on in my heart. Those things are probably idols in our hearts. Anything that we are allowing our hearts and minds to continually dwell on that is NOT Christ is an idol. We can ask ourselves: What do we value? One way to recognize this is to see how we react when something is taken away. What happens when the sound machine doesn’t work, how do we react when someone accidently feeds our child a food not on our diet or how do I react when I don’t get the time I wanted during nap time? Do I melt down and have a fit? If so, these are things I probably need to give to the Lord.

All of the above are just examples. The point is there is no one way that is better. I am learning to give the moms around me grace. To love the difference moms have and embrace them for who they are. And I can ABSOLUTELY tell you that came from the Lord. Before the Lord worked on that in my heart, I can tell you that I definitely had an opinion about how I thought parenting should go. I had this idea of how it all should go down and I felt very self righteous about my opinions. But now, I still have the ideas I have about what I think is best but I am flexible. I am open. I listen. I recognize that it is OKAY if a mom has a different opinion than me and there is no need for me to convince her that my way is right. I am understanding to other moms and I do my best to not judge them. I remind myself that the best mom is not the one who uses a sound machine or breastfeeds or stays at home or whatever you fill in the blank. The best mom we can be is a mom who recognizes that she is not perfect and points her kiddos to the one who is (Christ!). And the best friend to moms I can be is one who doesn’t judge another mom but instead listens, encourages, and points other moms back to Christ. And that is what this post is for. Just to say, hey if you are a mom, what a gift!! Use that gift for the Lord. Point that baby (no matter how old) to the Lord. Remind yourself that it is good for your kids to see that you are not perfect because that teaches them about the gospel which is that we aren’t perfect but are in need of a savior! This truth is rocking my world lately. I am continually finding myself pointing my thoughts back to this truth, trying to dwell on it. And maybe I can encourage whoever is reading to dwell on it too.  

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Thoughts of A Pregnant Gal on Seasons and Superiority

One phrase I hate hearing:

You could never understand because _____. (You're white, black, a man, a woman, straight, gay, married, single, you don't have kids, etc, etc)

(And various versions of that same statement)

I wish that we could all try a little harder to work towards understanding each other and learning from each other rather than coming up with surface level reasons why we all can't understand the experience of each other. 

I can't tell you how many times as a teacher on back to school the first thing I've heard is: "Wow, you're young." I always kind of want to reply, "Wow, you're middle aged." But of course I don't do that. Because I'm pretty sure that would not be a good start to the school year (I've noticed age can be a taboo topic for some middle agers). But I wish instead of noticing my age and judging me and (sometimes dismissing my ability) because of it, more parents would allow our first conversation to be about how much I care about their child, how much I love teaching and especially middle schoolers, and how I know without I doubt that God has called me to love on their child.

But instead as people we always make it about the outside things not the inside things. We somehow believe that those outside things will prevent us from being able to relate to one another. 

I'm guilty of it too in so many ways. 

But I want to change.

And what I am learning is that the best thing we can do to prevent this outside judging and placing value thing is to operate out of a mentality that every single person is a person we can learn from. We can be challenged and encouraged by everyone we meet and their story. We can begin to think outside of our own world, background, season, perspective. We can do this by asking others around us questions and getting to know who they are. Learning to really hear the story of their life. And to not miss out on the joy of others because we are too focused on separating ourselves from others who are not like us for some surface level reason. I believe that there are more things about all humans that make us alike, experiences we can all share and understand than what make us different.

Last July, Tony and I found out we were pregnant. We have been planning for and so excited about this next stage of life. I can't believe we are going to be parents. It is a season of joy and hope and nervousness and wonder. The whole thing has me reflecting on a lot of issues. It has me rejoicing with other couples who are also having babies and sharing in the grieving for friends I know who are still waiting, struggling with infertility. It has me calling my older sister who has two babies and one on the way and asking her a million questions. It has me exploring new conversations with friends in different stages: single friends, couples who don't yet have children, and even my middle school students who have a million questions and observations. 

What the Lord keeps putting on my mind is how to honor him in this life stage. It has me thinking about how things will change and what things should not change (ex: how to continue to put the Lord first, how to make time with husband, how to handle new responsibilities and financial changes). But a lesson that has kept coming back over and over again in my heart is that of seasons and superiority. And I believe the Lord is revealing some major truths through this lesson. 

I have been through many seasons in my life: the quiet reader child, the awkward middle schooler, the girl who lost her dad, the bold, overly loud and attention seeking teenager, the single girl, the newlywed, and now the preggo (and many other weird phases I won't go into). Each season has brought others in my life treating me in a new and different way. And as I reflect on what this new season of parenthood will look like, I don't ever want to forget what each of those seasons felt like. What I learned, how I grew. They shaped me into who I am. During those seasons, I was so thankful for people in my life who met me right where I was at, in all my awkward, immature glory. They loved me and shared wisdom with me and pointed me to the Lord. And in this new season of parenthood, I want to be like those I admire who cared about me even though I was in a completely different life stage. As a future parent, my desire is that I don't want to find myself surrounded only by those in my same season. I know how much it meant to me that married women and mamas and wise older singles made time for me in my seasons. 

I've noticed a common division that instantly happens when making connections and I'll be honest especially in the body of Christ: Whether or not you have kids. It seems that the answer to this question can determine relationship at so many levels. I get it. Mamas need support from other mamas. Papas need support from other papas. Your kids are in the same grade, same Sunday school. Your kids are going through the same crazy infant schedule, horrible teenage stage, awkward middle school stage. You need community. Your kids need community.

I think what I have noticed and what I wish is that more resources, support, ministry, love, eyes, ears and hearts would go out to those people in our world who are not in the season of being married or having kids. It got me thinking recently that Jesus was not married and did not have kids. I know that family can be an incredible ministry as you disciple your children and point them to the Lord. I believe that family and marriage can be an incredible tool used for God and His glory. And God gave us that gift. But it is not the only gift used for His glory. And yet I feel that the attitude sometimes around me is that being married and having kids is the best and only season we should be striving for. 

Sometimes life brings unexpected or unwanted changes. But I believe truly that God is sovereign over every detail of life, He directs our steps and plans and always, always, always has our best in mind.

In 8th grade, my dad passed away unexpectedly. I lived through an excruciatingly hard season with my mom and sister. But it also lead me to the Lord, to working with junior high kids, to my knees as I longed for and needed Jesus more than I ever had before. I have watched my mom in her life bravely turn a song of pain into a song of joy. 

My point? Life throws curveballs. And the circumstances and seasons we are in should never change how we treat others. 

The idea that the best life possible is only found in getting married and having kids is a lie. Do I love being married? Absolutely. I couldn't imagine life without my incredible husband and I can't wait for God to continue to teach me through marriage. Am I excited to enter into this next season of parenthood? Absolutely. But I also believe that my identity is in Christ alone and will not be only found in being a mom or wife or teacher or counselor or any other temporary title. My only lasting identity is that of a child of God. 

I never want to live a life in which I believe I cannot relate to anyone outside of my season or that others should strive to be in the same season I am in. This is an exclusionary viewpoint. 

I want to make others feel welcome, heard, understood, loved no matter what their family life looks like, no matter their story. I believe this is what Christ has called us to. 

I'll be honest that I've been disappointed in how many times I've heard others tell me things like: you'll understand when... It's always sad because it makes me think, man, bummer, because I thought maybe we could try to understand each other right now in the seasons we are in. But maybe I'll give you a call when I enter the same season as you and then maybe we can have a relationship or maybe you'll be interested in trying to understand me. 

The widow, the divorced, the couple who can't have their own children, the single person, the weird couple across the street, the homeless person I pass by every day. They all have stories I can learn from. Because life can be lived beautifully and completely by others who have drastically different circumstances and seasons going on than I do. We miss out on relationship by dismissing others for the seasons they are in. 

I realize that my next stage of life is going to be about parenthood. Am I going to have an instant connection with the mom with the stroller at the park? Definitely. But I hope I can also stand next to a black person, an older person, a teenager, a single person, a gay person, ANYONE who is in a different kind of season, circumstance or background and have an instant connection.

Everyone has an experience that gives them knowledge and a story to share. And wisdom in their own right.

But that wisdom or experience and those differences should never make us think we are superior or better than the person next to us.

I know this next season of life will be filled with baby registries and swaddles and weird nipple nursing stories and then the next one will be toddler tantrums and more mothering seasons. But it will also be filled with emotions and thoughts that anyone can relate to (fear, anxiety, busyness, worthiness, joy, loneliness, hurt). And I am determined to never tell a single person and/ or couple that doesn't have kids (or anyone for that matter) that they'll never understand what life should be like until they have kids. Instead I'm going to ask them what God is teaching them and what they are learning in their season. And maybe they'll let me share what I'm learning in mine. I'm going to cool it on the superior acting like they can't get me at all and focus more on the relationship and growing we could both be doing right now in the seasons we both are in. 

But I think what I'm also trying to get at is that it's not just about not dismissing others by telling them that they can't understand. Its about showing others that you can and do understand different seasons. It's about showing your love for them by being interested in their life, showing others that you value their season. Living life with others completely. Showing up to the social events and ministries and birthday parties and celebrations of those in other seasons. Listening. Which means not talking only about YOU. Showing interest by asking questions about the life of the person you are in conversation with. 

I realize that the comparison of being a parent versus not being a parent is not the same as a comparison like being white versus being black. Being a parent is a choice (most of the time) while other things about us are not a choice (such as race, background, etc) but I think what I am beginning to see and believe is that all of the things that make up our life are important and to be valued but again not used as a way to feel better than another. In other words, my thoughts about being in the parenthood season while others are not has helped me to unravel and be conscious of some bigger and broader concepts about humanity, relationship, and community. 

After all, the outside stuff is just labels that this temporary world puts on us. Our souls are who we really are, the fiber of our being. And we all have a soul.

I found out from looking up the word "understand" that its word origin and meaning does not mean "under" as in "beneath" but "between or among". How gloriously magnificent and right. To live between and among others, NOT constantly seeing ourselves as above or beneath others as if we should decide if we are one of those when we begin to get to know another person. To live in harmony and to live deeply understanding each other and seeing the value and worth of every human being around us --- what a divinely delightful goal worth striving for. 

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Do It Yourself New Kitchen: Painting Cabinets

This summer, one of Tony and I's goals was to repaint our cabinets. We were SO pleased with the way that it turned out and even more pleased with the price as it was so much less expensive to paint than to replace the cabinets. 

Below is the picture of our BEFORE kitchen, when we first bought our house.

If you are thinking of doing this, here are some tips as to how we did it and what worked. It took us about a week as we took it slow and worked really hard over one weekend. It could be done in about two to three days though!

The first thing we did was to take down the cabinet doors. We kept the hardware labeled in plastic baggies sitting in the cabinets so we wouldn't lose which hardware went with what door. 

The next step was to clean the cabinets. We used this Krud Kutter, recommended by Lowe's and it worked really well! It was pretty disgusting to see what came off of the cabinets. You don't realize what can build up there with food particles, dust, etc. We just sprayed with paper towels and wiped, especially in the crevices. We had to use a razor to really scrap some of the crevices. 

Next, we did one coat of primer on the doors and "boxes" (cabinet base). We had to let this dry. We also made holders for the doors by drilling nails into pieces of wood for the cabinets to dry on so they  weren't just sitting directly on the ground.

We picked the color light gray and really liked how it turned out. After the primer dried, we did our first coat and really got into the nooks and crannies. We used special cabinet and wall paint rollers that you can buy at Lowe's. We did a second coat a little lighter, making sure it looked all even. We only did two coats and liked the color but some websites suggested three. It takes about four hours or so to dry between coats. The biggest pain was waiting on it to dry and also you don't realize how much surface area the back and front of the cabinets have. We also painted under the cabinets and the boxes twice and had to wait on those to dry. 

But, the final product was SO worth it. This was our first big home project to do together and it was pretty fun. Below is a picture of the difference so you can see it pretty clearly.

And the final product!! I love the way it turned out and completely lightened up our small kitchen. We also replaced our original countertops which were a cream colored solid surface with a black granite. We did that back in October. 

Our next goals are to add some hardware like cabinet and drawer pulls and a possible backsplash. I think putting your money into the kitchen area is so worth it! Our project probably cost about $100 dollars, $50 for the paint and $50 for other supplies like tarps, brushes, primer, etc. Amazing price and so much better than new cabinets. I did read though that you need to evaluate if it is worth it to paint your cabinets, if the wood is really old and cracking and chipping, it could be time just to replace. Ours was not there yet so I think the painting was good. 

Good luck to all the Do It Yourselfers out there!!

Here is a picture of my mom in my new kitchen when she came to visit in July and she is making me some stew in the crockpot! Don't you just feel like you want to cook more in an updated kitchen?? This feeling lasted a week for me and than back to my old ways ;) ;)

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Sweet, Sweet Alaskan Summertime: Lessons on Autism, Resting, Boating, and Writing

This summer has been a breath of fresh air. With teaching, coaching, and working on my master's degree, last year was a crazy whirlwind. I have been SO thankful for this summer and time to BREATHE and breathe DEEP. 

Getting to go to Italy was definitely a highlight but also just being able to RELAX in a way I haven't felt in years. I have been able to read books (something I feel like I never have time for), to go hiking, camping, fishing, boating. 

One lesson Tony and I learned from Italy is that we want to spend more intentional time together. We would get up early in Italy and eat breakfast, sipping coffee and talking about life and God's goodness. This emotional intimacy was refreshing and needed. We realized you don't have to travel halfway across the world to achieve this- we can work on that intentional time together every day at home. We have been trying to get up early this summer and read scripture, sip coffee, read the news, read books, just relax and enjoy life and each other. 

It has been so incredible. I used to think life was better sleeping in- seriously ask my family. Getting up at noon was a regular thing when I was growing up. Now, I am just so enjoying my mornings and now that I have made it a habit it is so much easier. I feel so much more refreshed for the day with a little me time and "us" time for Tony and I. And I love starting my day off with God's truth. 

After we got back from Italy, I started my first counseling internship. I am working at Hope Community Resources with children who have autism. At my internship, I am working with children ages 4-7 on different spectrums of autism. Some are nonverbal and some are verbal. 

I have learned SO much about how to work with little kiddos in general and particularly those who have autism. God created each of us so differently with different minds and ways of thinking and that has been such a cool lesson. 

This is something we use with our autistic kiddos that helps them visualize and prepare for transitions. We set up a schedule for them so they know when one activity is and can prepare. We also use timers pretty often (I am going to give you 10 minutes on the swing, then we will move to blocks). 

These visuals can also be used with nonverbal autistic kiddos to help them grow their communication skills. If they get frustrated with trying to communicate their thoughts with words, pictures can help. Eventually, you can phase them out of the pictures and encourage them to use words. 

We also use the First Then method often with the kiddos. If they have trouble understanding what's coming next, we say first we will paint (put a paint picture in the first slot), then we will do puzzles (put puzzles in the slot). 

I am learning so much about autism. I love knowing the God doesn't ever make a mistake, but that children with autism have a purpose and plan. God is using them for HIS glory. We can see who God is through them and how creative God is. 

I also got to go camping and boating and fishing over the Fourth of July! 

Having a boat in Alaska has come to open up some many more places to camp. We can get out on the ocean and explore more remote areas unaccessible to us previously. We are making some repairs on our little Zodiac currently, but we love having a boat. Now Tony wants to build his own boat!

We caught some rockfish and halibut. 

I am loving time at home this summer and am appreciating all the introverts of the world. Lots of reading, writing, and resting this summer. I decided to start writing a book, something I have wanted to do for years. I am loving exploring the themes and just writing in a new way. And I am learning that sometimes when you want to do something, you just need to start. Don't talk about what you want to do in life, actually do it. Start doing a little at a time. 

Lot of dog walks this summer and enjoying the beautiful Alaskan sunshine. 

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Trip of a Lifetime: Italy and Switzerland 2016

At the end of May, Tony and I got to take a trip to Italy and Switzerland. Definitely a bucket list item and a trip I am so thankful we were able to take. We ended up renting a car and using Air BnB, my first time to use it. This cut our cost and Air BnB was much less expensive than hotels. Some Air BnBs that we went to were better than others. Air BnB is a website/ app that allows you to book homes, bed and breakfasts, apartments at a lower cost. They even have couches you can rent and small rooms for the night. We also found that renting a car gave us a lot of freedom and was less expensive than the train in the end. We went with another couple which was a lot of fun and allowed us to split cost on a lot of things. 

Here are some highlights:

Venice

Venice turned out to be packed with tourists. It was our first stop. Not our favorite city, but so beautiful. We went up the clock tower to get pictures of the city and also went into St. Mark's Basilica and Doge's Palace.

St. Mark's Basilica

Our next stop was Bologna which turned out to be one of our favorites. We took a food tour and met a local who told us some quirky stories about their city. Bologna is home to the oldest University in Europe. Our food tour included pizza, pasta, gelato, espresso, and wines. We loved the architecture and feel of the city. The city also introduced us to "apertivo" which is the pre-dinner drink. There were little restaurants on the streets that would advertise apertivo and you could stop in for a drink and appetizers, kind of like happy hour. We loved it! 

The University

This shop was a stop on our food tour, and we ate some meats and cheeses. Bologna is also were bologna originates from and where lasagna and tortellini came from. The man that owns this shop has a certificate showing that his family has owned this shop since the Middle Ages. Pretty amazing! 

Part of our food tour- we highly recommend the food tour, we had a blast!

Our next stop was Poppi castle, which was right outside Tuscany region. I have never toured a castle before, it was worth it! One highlight of this particular castle is its library with some very old and interesting books.

Next was Perugia. We enjoyed a dinner here and walked around the city. 

We also made our way to Assisi. We toured the St. Francis Basilica and also toured another castle right near the Basilica. Breathtaking!

We also stopped for a wine tasting and learned a lot about how to properly taste wine and tell the quality of a wine. We got to try wine from many different Italian regions while touring! 

The next stop was Rome. We went to the Vatican on our first day. It led to a lot of discussion and just enjoying artwork. I loved the passion and history here. 

The Room of Tapestries in the Vatican

Trevi Fountain

Roman Forum

Colosseum 

The Pantheon

Gelato, of course.

Next was Tuscany, which we called our "vacation from our vacation". So relaxing and peaceful. Our trip included a lot of sightseeing, so we really enjoyed getting to just take a break for a bit. 

We also took a cooking class where we learned how to make gnocchi, fettuccine noodles, a red meat sauce, and tiramisu. This was one of the best things we did together, the class took a few hours and then we got to eat the dinner we had made while overlooking Tuscany. Amazing!

Our gnocchi 

Our tiramisu

Enjoying Tuscany with Bryan and Laura

Next was Florence and checking out David. Worth the wait. Absolutely stunning and one of those things you have to go and see for yourself. 

The Duomo in Florence. Other than St. Peter's Basilica, The Dumo was one of the most beautiful churches we saw in my opinion. I loved the painted outside. 

Florence

Our final stop was Cinque Terre, a set of five coastal cities. There is a hike that I highly recommend where you an hike to each city. Apparently, there was a flood that cut off access to the hike to the last two cities so we were only able to hike to the the three first cities. You can take a train to the last two, and I believe they are doing construction at this point to maintain connection to the last two cities. 

A view you will never forget. I loved the turquoise waters with the multi colored homes nestled in the cliffs. 

These towns were quite touristy though, there were Americans and other visitors everywhere. One of the reasons we enjoyed Bologna so much was because it was not on everyone's list of places to visit in Italy and so it had a lot more local feel and speaking Italian. In some of the highly visited spots, there were so many Americans and English being spoken that it didn't quite feel like we got the cultural experience. 

You can't beat that view!

We also spent our last few days in Zurich, which is where we flew out of. We loved the fact that we got to get to know Switzerland a little bit. It was very expensive here.

I got to try a Rosti, apparently a famous Swiss dish. We also stopped at a Swiss fondue restaurant that was delicious. There are different variations but it is basically hash browns in different ways. Pretty good!

We loved our trip and are so thankful for the rest. Physical, emotional, spiritual, mental rest. A change of scenery can be so good for the soul. The only thing is that it sparks desire in you for more travel. You catch the spark and you just can't wait for your next trip. 

We are hoping to make England, Scotland, and Ireland our next priority but we will see :)

 “Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all of one’s lifetime.” – Mark Twain

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