One phrase I hate hearing:
You could never understand because _____. (You're white, black, a man, a woman, straight, gay, married, single, you don't have kids, etc, etc)
(And various versions of that same statement)
I wish that we could all try a little harder to work towards understanding each other and learning from each other rather than coming up with surface level reasons why we all can't understand the experience of each other.
I can't tell you how many times as a teacher on back to school the first thing I've heard is: "Wow, you're young." I always kind of want to reply, "Wow, you're middle aged." But of course I don't do that. Because I'm pretty sure that would not be a good start to the school year (I've noticed age can be a taboo topic for some middle agers). But I wish instead of noticing my age and judging me and (sometimes dismissing my ability) because of it, more parents would allow our first conversation to be about how much I care about their child, how much I love teaching and especially middle schoolers, and how I know without I doubt that God has called me to love on their child.
But instead as people we always make it about the outside things not the inside things. We somehow believe that those outside things will prevent us from being able to relate to one another.
I'm guilty of it too in so many ways.
But I want to change.
And what I am learning is that the best thing we can do to prevent this outside judging and placing value thing is to operate out of a mentality that every single person is a person we can learn from. We can be challenged and encouraged by everyone we meet and their story. We can begin to think outside of our own world, background, season, perspective. We can do this by asking others around us questions and getting to know who they are. Learning to really hear the story of their life. And to not miss out on the joy of others because we are too focused on separating ourselves from others who are not like us for some surface level reason. I believe that there are more things about all humans that make us alike, experiences we can all share and understand than what make us different.
Last July, Tony and I found out we were pregnant. We have been planning for and so excited about this next stage of life. I can't believe we are going to be parents. It is a season of joy and hope and nervousness and wonder. The whole thing has me reflecting on a lot of issues. It has me rejoicing with other couples who are also having babies and sharing in the grieving for friends I know who are still waiting, struggling with infertility. It has me calling my older sister who has two babies and one on the way and asking her a million questions. It has me exploring new conversations with friends in different stages: single friends, couples who don't yet have children, and even my middle school students who have a million questions and observations.
What the Lord keeps putting on my mind is how to honor him in this life stage. It has me thinking about how things will change and what things should not change (ex: how to continue to put the Lord first, how to make time with husband, how to handle new responsibilities and financial changes). But a lesson that has kept coming back over and over again in my heart is that of seasons and superiority. And I believe the Lord is revealing some major truths through this lesson.
I have been through many seasons in my life: the quiet reader child, the awkward middle schooler, the girl who lost her dad, the bold, overly loud and attention seeking teenager, the single girl, the newlywed, and now the preggo (and many other weird phases I won't go into). Each season has brought others in my life treating me in a new and different way. And as I reflect on what this new season of parenthood will look like, I don't ever want to forget what each of those seasons felt like. What I learned, how I grew. They shaped me into who I am. During those seasons, I was so thankful for people in my life who met me right where I was at, in all my awkward, immature glory. They loved me and shared wisdom with me and pointed me to the Lord. And in this new season of parenthood, I want to be like those I admire who cared about me even though I was in a completely different life stage. As a future parent, my desire is that I don't want to find myself surrounded only by those in my same season. I know how much it meant to me that married women and mamas and wise older singles made time for me in my seasons.
I've noticed a common division that instantly happens when making connections and I'll be honest especially in the body of Christ: Whether or not you have kids. It seems that the answer to this question can determine relationship at so many levels. I get it. Mamas need support from other mamas. Papas need support from other papas. Your kids are in the same grade, same Sunday school. Your kids are going through the same crazy infant schedule, horrible teenage stage, awkward middle school stage. You need community. Your kids need community.
I think what I have noticed and what I wish is that more resources, support, ministry, love, eyes, ears and hearts would go out to those people in our world who are not in the season of being married or having kids. It got me thinking recently that Jesus was not married and did not have kids. I know that family can be an incredible ministry as you disciple your children and point them to the Lord. I believe that family and marriage can be an incredible tool used for God and His glory. And God gave us that gift. But it is not the only gift used for His glory. And yet I feel that the attitude sometimes around me is that being married and having kids is the best and only season we should be striving for.
Sometimes life brings unexpected or unwanted changes. But I believe truly that God is sovereign over every detail of life, He directs our steps and plans and always, always, always has our best in mind.
In 8th grade, my dad passed away unexpectedly. I lived through an excruciatingly hard season with my mom and sister. But it also lead me to the Lord, to working with junior high kids, to my knees as I longed for and needed Jesus more than I ever had before. I have watched my mom in her life bravely turn a song of pain into a song of joy.
My point? Life throws curveballs. And the circumstances and seasons we are in should never change how we treat others.
The idea that the best life possible is only found in getting married and having kids is a lie. Do I love being married? Absolutely. I couldn't imagine life without my incredible husband and I can't wait for God to continue to teach me through marriage. Am I excited to enter into this next season of parenthood? Absolutely. But I also believe that my identity is in Christ alone and will not be only found in being a mom or wife or teacher or counselor or any other temporary title. My only lasting identity is that of a child of God.
I never want to live a life in which I believe I cannot relate to anyone outside of my season or that others should strive to be in the same season I am in. This is an exclusionary viewpoint.
I want to make others feel welcome, heard, understood, loved no matter what their family life looks like, no matter their story. I believe this is what Christ has called us to.
I'll be honest that I've been disappointed in how many times I've heard others tell me things like: you'll understand when... It's always sad because it makes me think, man, bummer, because I thought maybe we could try to understand each other right now in the seasons we are in. But maybe I'll give you a call when I enter the same season as you and then maybe we can have a relationship or maybe you'll be interested in trying to understand me.
The widow, the divorced, the couple who can't have their own children, the single person, the weird couple across the street, the homeless person I pass by every day. They all have stories I can learn from. Because life can be lived beautifully and completely by others who have drastically different circumstances and seasons going on than I do. We miss out on relationship by dismissing others for the seasons they are in.
I realize that my next stage of life is going to be about parenthood. Am I going to have an instant connection with the mom with the stroller at the park? Definitely. But I hope I can also stand next to a black person, an older person, a teenager, a single person, a gay person, ANYONE who is in a different kind of season, circumstance or background and have an instant connection.
Everyone has an experience that gives them knowledge and a story to share. And wisdom in their own right.
But that wisdom or experience and those differences should never make us think we are superior or better than the person next to us.
I know this next season of life will be filled with baby registries and swaddles and weird nipple nursing stories and then the next one will be toddler tantrums and more mothering seasons. But it will also be filled with emotions and thoughts that anyone can relate to (fear, anxiety, busyness, worthiness, joy, loneliness, hurt). And I am determined to never tell a single person and/ or couple that doesn't have kids (or anyone for that matter) that they'll never understand what life should be like until they have kids. Instead I'm going to ask them what God is teaching them and what they are learning in their season. And maybe they'll let me share what I'm learning in mine. I'm going to cool it on the superior acting like they can't get me at all and focus more on the relationship and growing we could both be doing right now in the seasons we both are in.
But I think what I'm also trying to get at is that it's not just about not dismissing others by telling them that they can't understand. Its about showing others that you can and do understand different seasons. It's about showing your love for them by being interested in their life, showing others that you value their season. Living life with others completely. Showing up to the social events and ministries and birthday parties and celebrations of those in other seasons. Listening. Which means not talking only about YOU. Showing interest by asking questions about the life of the person you are in conversation with.
I realize that the comparison of being a parent versus not being a parent is not the same as a comparison like being white versus being black. Being a parent is a choice (most of the time) while other things about us are not a choice (such as race, background, etc) but I think what I am beginning to see and believe is that all of the things that make up our life are important and to be valued but again not used as a way to feel better than another. In other words, my thoughts about being in the parenthood season while others are not has helped me to unravel and be conscious of some bigger and broader concepts about humanity, relationship, and community.
After all, the outside stuff is just labels that this temporary world puts on us. Our souls are who we really are, the fiber of our being. And we all have a soul.
I found out from looking up the word "understand" that its word origin and meaning does not mean "under" as in "beneath" but "between or among". How gloriously magnificent and right. To live between and among others, NOT constantly seeing ourselves as above or beneath others as if we should decide if we are one of those when we begin to get to know another person. To live in harmony and to live deeply understanding each other and seeing the value and worth of every human being around us --- what a divinely delightful goal worth striving for.
