Deployment Post Series 3 of 10

Picture: girlies becoming buddies 

Don’t let mess in the emotional or physical sense keep you from letting others in. Often we want to only invite others in when we feel homes are clean and lives put together. But people feel most comfortable when they are not- it reminds us we are all human.

I needed others so much on this deployment. Many saw the mess in our lives. Yes the physical mess- dirty dishes, toys everywhere, laundry piled so high. But also the mess of my sin, my anger, the mess of parenting a toddler and a baby, the mess of my need and my weakness and my inability to do it all. 

Sometimes I think we want to make our lives look perfect - a clean house, children that behave, a put together meal, a “got it together” marriage or career we are rocking. It can be exhausting. Why do we do this? Lots of reasons I think but mostly maybe we are afraid of 1) admitting to ourselves that none of those things are perfect and 2) showing others those things aren’t perfect. The irony is we often think that maybe others will like us more if we show them the perfect side but in life and especially deployment I’ve found such deeper friendships and bonds formed in the imperfect- women laughing over our imperfections, celebrating that we don’t have it all together but we can run to someone who can heal us and help us (Jesus). I found that the more I opened up the hardest parts of what I was going through with others, the more honest others would share in return and the more authentic our relationships became.

Admitting you are weak. No this does not feel good. However it has POWER. It invites God in to your life and heart and soul and mind. It allows you to see your need for Him. It allows others to unite in the common thread of: we all need each other. We can’t do this alone. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 

Let’s shout and share our weakness that Christ may be made known. 

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Deployment Post Series 2 of 10

Picture: my sweet sister Emily who came to help with the girls last summer and who also let us live with her for two

months over the winter 

God can use others in your life to show you His love. How true this is for me this year!! I share this for all those of you in the dark places, the lonely places, the deepest of the hardest of the worst places, to tell you: reach out and share your struggles. People often don’t know how to help unless you tell them. God shows up for us through His people. They are a visual representation of Him in our lives. During Tony’s deployment, I had one friend carry my screaming toddler to the car after church and help buckle her in. Another who gave us a meal and place to hang out at every week (literally handed me food to take home every week). A friend who carried Eila in the Baby carrier to give me a break. A friend who spent the night when I was scared. A sister who surprise showed up one night to help with bathtime and bedtime routine. A friend who planted flowers with me to make me happy. A friend who put up mouse traps for me because I was too scared and mowed our lawn. A friend who drove me around in the snow because winter driving scares me. Friends who snow shoveled. Sisters and aunts and moms and grandparents and friends who loved us so well. Honestly I could go on and on. So many who brought meals, watched my babies, checked in on me, kept me company on the lonely nights. Dig deep into the body of Christ, be vulnerable, share your heart and your needs and see what happens. 

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Deployment Post Series 1 of 10

It helps me to write. So during Tony’s deployment, I had to write to process. I decided to put together a series of ten posts about my experience with deployment (with pictures to go with). It was a way for me to reflect, let out my feelings, vent, celebrate, and honestly praise God in the hard and the good. The writing isn’t super edited or perfect. It was written between baby feedings and toddler tantrums and tears and fears and all of the crazy. But it was written. And that was an accomplishment for me so to that end it is worth sharing! 

 Here’s the first:

Deployment Series: Post 1 of 10

(Picture: this picture is from the hospital the night Eila was born with her aunties Holly and Jessie, Tony’s sisters who were there for her birth, everyone is sleeping as it was a long day :) ... Tony was not able to be there for her birth but was able to come back for a 12 day paternity leave afterwards)

This has been one of the absolute hardest and yet absolute sweetest years of my life. Because of security reasons, I had not posted specifically about Tony’s deployment but now that he is back, it is crazy to reflect on all that happened during this last year. Never in the plan for my life did I imagine giving birth without my guy by my side but God had a different plan. Our Eila was born and my amazing sister in laws were with me through labor and delivery... an incredible experience to share that with them and a story I will tell Eila over and over again to remind her how much her aunties love her and how the God of the universe and of her life loves her so deeply and has a plan for her. This year I jumped into caring for a newborn and toddler with Tony gone... but the crazy thing is that God. Sustained. Me. Every day with His power and His love and with family and friends and community. If I can give anyone in a hurting or hard season advice, it would be to (1) run to Jesus with all you have and (2) run alongside others who love Jesus too. Alongside people who will encourage you, speak truth to you, and remind you of God’s love. I did not do this year alone, I felt Gods presence the entire time. Yes it was lonely. Yes it was hard. But God does not leave us. This is His promise. 

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JOY over FEAR

I wish the following wasn’t true: anxiety, worry, and fear have been ruling me a lot lately. 

First there was the helicopter crash with Kobe Bryant, it got my mind running circles: what if, what if. What if something like this happened to me, my kids, my spouse, or someone else I love? 

Now, the COVID craziness. What if we get sick? What if there are no supplies in the store when we need them? 

Man. You could live in the what if forever. It is crippling. You could choose to let it rule your mind. But I’m trying to choose JOY. I believe God calls us to focus our mind on the gifts every DAY, in the present and to find joy in them. If we spend our energy on worrying, we don’t get to fully LIVE. Yes I will die one day. But in the meantime I want to soak up what each day brings. A dance party with my toddler. Chocolate melting in my mouth. Friends who care. Coffee and a Mountain View. 

If I do get COVID and maybe the truth is eventually I will at some point, I want to catch it having laughed and cried and had good food and played hard with my babies and enjoyed friendships and sunshine and fresh air. Of course I will follow CDC recommendations as best I possibly can for myself and for others. I will learn to enjoy friendship over a screen. I will practice this six foot rule for as long as I should. But I won’t let what I can’t control consume my mind and my life to the point where I am tiptoeing around in life, trying to avoid sickness and death. Sickness and death are going to eventually find me. They might as well find me living out JOY in a thousand ways. 

Yes we can let fear rule us. But we can also choose joy over fear. We can choose to believe God’s promise in the thick of the hard.

As a believer, the eternal perspective reminds me death and sickness are not the end. Jesus died for us to have eternity with him. We need not be afraid when we know Jesus. And we can share this hope with others during this time. But fear is still a battle. I think of the reminder in scripture that God knows the sparrows. Each of them are taken care of every day and have food and life. They sing to their God, without fear. They know their creator. 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matthew 6:25-27

Things that have been helping me lately (and I hope will help you, friend):

⁃ doing small things to help others when I can. I asked my church to donate games to the kids I work with. It made them smile! It might not be a life saving mask. But it is a small thing, a good thing. And we need those right now. I’m thankful for a church that wanted to share the love of Christ. I can’t fix this whole problem (and reminder: God is I control of the fixing of the big and small). But I can focus on the small things in my realm of the world that I can help (and I think these “small” things mean the biggest things of all).

⁃ doing things you ENJOY. Remembering those things. They might look different. But they are important. Whether it’s exercise or cooking or talking to friends or sewing or writing. Do it with all your heart and soul. Do it well and keep doing it! We need to keep living out our passions right now. 

⁃ Day by day, minute by minute, giving my mind and thoughts to the Lord. Identifying and Surrendering the worst of those thoughts. It’s okay to admit the worst of them. Present them to God in prayer. He can handle them. 

⁃ A good friend reminded me of this: we serve a God who can calm storms, who created the heavens and the earths, who created humans with all we are- body, soul, mind, and who cares for us. He hasn’t left us. 

⁃ My sister got me a picture that says JOY on it. Simple. Put it in a place you can see it. Soak up each day marveling in the tiny given joys.

⁃ This reminder: 

⁃ The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

 Psalms‬ ‭18:2‬ ‭

Joy over fear. I want to live in that today. I want my girls to see me choosing that every day. 

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My Heart's Capacity Grew

Because my goal is to write more, I figured I’ve got to start somewhere :) update: we now have TWO girls. Eileen Grace Luiken (nickname Eila) is now five months old and our Jemma Ruth is two and a half. God’s grace and goodness to us is immense and overwhelming.

This picture is from a writing conference I went to in October. And also I thought it was a good capture of my life most days! Baby pack strapped to me, toddler running around. At least I have make up on this pic ;) but YES I’ve been working on a book. Most of my writing energy has gone to that (and by writing energy I mean literally 5 -10 minutes on my phone of my own time!). It’s a young adult science fiction with some counseling elements, some thoughts on adoption, some thoughts on technology and our current culture, some thoughts on morality. A good mix HAH. Another writer said are you trying to do too much? Probably. But it’s my first try for a novel so hey! And just because she suggested that by golly I’m going to work it even harder.



She loves her hands <3



And this one is as cute and crazy as ever. And tests boundaries every day. God has taught me a million and one things with her little toddler self.



Because babies :)



Because sisters :)

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Baby Life: One Year Reflections: Part Two (Specific)

Sometimes as an expectant mama, I would have wanted some practical tips for the first year. By no means am I saying anyone has to do these things or these are the best ways.. just some things that worked for us (and may or may not work for you!) but worth sharing! Advice can sometimes be overwhelming, unnecessary and unhelpful (trust me, as a mom I know how much stinking advice people LOVE to give). I think sometimes you have to figure out your own journey but I am hoping it might be nice to have a perspective from someone who just went through it! So here are some that came to my mind and I hope will help expectant parents/ mamas/ anyone :)

Labor

1) one thing I found really helpful was doing the online class for expecting parents on the website babycenter.com. I personally liked it because Tony and I could watch it when our schedule allowed and in the comfort of our own home. It also made me feel less awkward so I didn’t feel weird about learning about some of the things around other people and hearing everyone’s different opinions about all things baby, etc. This might not work for everyone but it was very helpful for me.

2) another thing that I found very helpful was slow counting during labor. The online class I did talked about how the worst part of labor has contractions that last two minutes long. This really stuck in my mind, the idea that I could do anything for two minutes so I myself and sometimes had Tony slowly, slowly count to 60. Even though it might be two minutes, I just kept having in my mind if I could get to 60 I would have a break. This method really helped me along with just really mentally thinking of positive things like foods I enjoy, vacations I want to take, things I love or anything to take my mind off the pain. I also had a fun upbeat playlist so that was also helpful.

3) funny story, I originally thought I was set on getting an epidural when I first got pregnant but the more I learned the more I didn’t like the idea of being numb all the way down my back and legs and not being able to move or be in control because I liked the idea of walking around, etc during labor. My sister and good friends around me also had a good natural birth experience so I decided to go for it. My personal conclusion: it was totally doable. Of course this is just my experience and every mom has a different take on this but I just wanted to share this and also say that it’s okay to change your mind and not feel like you have to stay completely locked in to one way of thinking. I had Jemma naturally and also chose to have her in the hospital because that is where I felt most comfortable. I started contractions around 2 am and had jemma around 9 am... again this is not everyone’s experience but I had a very good labor experience. One tip someone gave me that I embraced: try to relax and embrace the pain. I know that sounds crazy but I really just focused on my breathing and tried to bring my mind to a healthy place and just let my body do its work. If you are tense and really anxious your body will also be tense and not able to work efficiently at bringing a baby into the world.

4) just trying to be honest here for things people don’t tell you. You have to push the placenta out after labor. Just be prepared that you will do all the pushing and still have more to do but again it goes quickly if you try to relax... in my experience haha.

5) get yourself some extra underwear that you don’t mind throwing away and lots of maxi pads.. and maybe some adult diapers!! After baby you will be healing and bleeding a lot and need this. 

Breastfeeding / pumping / formula/ feeding in general

Labor was a good experience for me but breastfeeding was very, very difficult for me with Jemma (again, every mom has a different experience but this was mine!).

This is just part of our story but basically here was our experience with jemma that might offer encouragement to other mamas:

Jemma was dropping weight quickly because she was latching but not nursing well. The nurses suggested we give her a bottle of formula while at the hospital. This made Tony and I nervous and unsure as we had heard if you introduce it too early it can cause breastfeeding to not go well so we chose to keep trying to breastfed. Jemma was still losing weight and started to show signs of dehydration so our doctor agreed with the nurses to give formula and keep working on nursing. Immediately you will find out that milk supply is a tricky thing. It has to be maintained so if your baby isn’t nursing well you still have to use the breast pump to pump milk as if baby was eating so that just makes life so hard as a sleep deprived, just trying to survive mama because your life becomes: baby cries, try to breast feed (sometimes, goes well, sometimes doesn’t... for me it ended in her screaming sometimes), try to give bottle of doesn’t go well, pump if baby didn’t eat well or to finish off milk supply, try to put baby back to sleep... then it just becomes an endless vortex of never feeling rested as it takes you double the time it would if baby was actually eating... needless to say we had an exhausting, frustrating, sometimes agonizing experience trying to figure this out.

 In the end I decided to keep trying and we went to lactation consultants and even an occupational therapist who did these facial exercises because we were told she has a “weak suck”... we tried “finger feeding” (a whole method we learned that kind of helped some babies breastfeed easier as you had to hook up a little syringe with your finger and help them suck and not get hooked to the bottle)... we tried so many things and I was miserable for a long time but trying to enjoy the baby experience and sometimes definitely failing at that. I ended up making the decision to pump breast milk until six months so that Jemma could get the benefits of that but we did supplement with formula. It was a very hard and very trying season and some lessons I learned from this are that I think sometimes we can idolize breastfeeding as this kind of ultimate crown of glory for mothers and I really had to let go of this and just realize that the screaming feeding sessions of trying so hard to force it to work were hurting the bond Jemma and I had and I knew I wanted to just love on her and be with her and not be so frustrated by the feeding process which is why I finally chose to let go of the need to breastfeed. All that to say, my advice to mamas is you may not realize that feeding can be a huge struggle and it doesn’t work perfectly for many women. But I had to remind myself of truth in that my identity is not in being a breastfeeding mom but in Christ alone. And that is a point that I think the Lord is continuing to teach me by taking away things that I maybe didn't even realize how much I valued. I didn't realize how much I had been hoping to breastfeed until the Lord took it away and reminded me to rejoice and be thankful in the happy, healthy gift that is our little girl and to remind myself to keep the important things important. I wanted to share this part of our story to hopefully encourage expectant moms or current moms in this type of storm about what is important!

Other Practical Specifics

Backpack diaper bag. So much easier when you are carrying a car seat or baby than having one shoulder with all the weight. Plus, they have more storage space.

Ergo or baby carrier. Just my favorite baby item of all time. I love the snuggles and the fact that you can strap on the ergo and have baby with you while cleaning the house, going to coffee with a friend, working on your laptop, whatever. I also took it hiking and camping and fishing and shopping, just everywhere. I just really think it is a must have for all moms!! I found that I didn’t like the fabric carriers as much because I could never make it feel quite right/ comfortable but that is a personal preference!

Give your little a toy while changing the diaper. Maybe that is a no brainer but it just helps keep baby distracted while you deal with the diaper situation and sometimes keeps baby from rolling around and squirming.

Later bedtimes so that you can have baby with you. This is something that is definitely a personal preference but one parenting philosophy that Tony and I have taken on is that our children should adapt to the way we live our life instead of us changing our whole life to adapt to their needs/ schedule. Obviously this is within reason and just takes discernment for every specific situation but I just think it helps teach kids that life is not about them and they don’t get to be the dictators of the family decisions. One example of this is that we like to put Jemma to bed later (normally around 8:30 or 9) so that we can go out and do social things or activities in the evening such as dinner with friends or to see family or just out enjoying an activity together and Jemma tags along. And bonus is that baby normally sleeps in a little later because of this! But every family is different and needs to make the best decision as to what works for their family. I know my sister likes to put her babies to sleep earlier because she can have more time with her husband that way. This just works for our family especially with Tony’s new job because he is able to see Jemma more when he comes home later also.

One fun present we got for Jemma’s first birthday was a book that has the ability to record grandparents voice while reading a story! Jemma loves it and listens so closely and tries to figure it out and I can tell she recognizes the voices. It is a special thing because it is something she can always have to remember them and keep connected. Also a cool idea for deployments or other times when parents or grandparents are far away.

I bought a scrapbook called Lucy darling which I loved! It has each month for a picture and little notes and prompts to help you fill in and remember moments. It definitely made it easier in the midst of craziness to jot down and cherish pictures and memories. I also bought a book that keeps track of you writing one letter each year to your child and I started this and will continue to and probably give it to her as a graduation or wedding present.

Diaper rash: the cheaper stuff from target works just fine. If you ever see little bumps all over, this could be a yeast infection and needs anti fungal medicine (go see the doctor for a prescription). :)

Those are my little practical tips.. and I'll end with snuggle as much as possible! Because babies are a gift. And they are hard and make me crazy and bring me on my knees pleading for help from Jesus... but the sweetest, sweetest gift. Pin It

Baby Life: One Year Reflections, Part One

This last March marked the ONE year mark for us keeping a little human alive.

It's fun for me to reflect on what I've learned and how I've grown in this last year. The Lord has taught me so much through being a parent. By no means do I have it all together even a little bit and I have learned by failure and misery at times until the Lord has humbled me and gently taught me. I wanted to share in the hopes that future moms or current moms or anyone reading gets some encouragement and reminders of truth through some of my musings.

I decided to split up my thoughts into kind of general things I would share and specific/ practical so here they are (starting with part one, more general themes!):

Biggest thing: my identity and meaning and purpose is found in Christ alone. It is easy to let parenting take over your mind and thoughts and actions and who you are but you will be a better parent when you know who you are in Christ and that is where your energy and love come from.

Christ has to be your rock, not your spouse. There have been so many times where I have been looking to Tony to come up with the solutions to different problems and been frustrated when he can’t provide the answers am I seeking which I have found to be because I have to look to Christ to fufill me, not Tony.

Let your walls down and let others into your mess. Many times we are stubborn and prideful, unwilling to allow others to see that we don’t have it together as parents or just the simple fact that our life is not perfect. Something I’ve learned this year is to let go of that facade and be real about what I need and how others can help with baby or just with life. Confession is huge. Sharing with others how you are struggling and how sin looks in your life and asking others to get on their knees in prayer with you is a practice that invites others into your vulnerability and creates a welcoming space for others to share their struggles too.

Your attitude is your choice no matter what is going on around you. We had some breastfeeding issues with Jemma and my sin got the best of me many of the hard moments. I was angry and tired and frustrated. I didn’t have the bond with Jemma at times because she was screaming and not eating well and I was stressed. But I have learned (through failure over and over) that I always have the choice of how I react in a situation. Whatever external factors are going on, I always have the choice as to my attitude in that situation and I cannot blame others or the situation for my response. If I choose to be grumpy and mean and angry, that is my choice and it is not Tony or Jemma or anyone else that is forcing me to have that attitude. In the counseling world, this is a huge life changing theory and it is also biblically based in that we should take responsibility for ourselves and our sin. We need Christ but we have choices in our attitude.

Let go of the need to control and let it be ok that others might do things different than you (aunts, grandparents, friends who watch your kids, etc). It is so hard to do sometimes because you get used to a certain way that you like to do things with your child but I have seen the beauty in allowing others to love on Jemma in their own way and to try and free myself of the need to control all the things when I’m not with her (feeding, sleeping, playing routines, etc).

Let go of the need for things to be clean and perfect.

Judgement: I did everything I said I wouldn't... or most things hahaha. My basic point here is just to stop the judgement and love others well. Someday you could be the mama in the back of the plane with the screaming baby or trying out different methods of work/ mom balance or sleeping or feeding methods or discipline methods. Have grace mamas, have patience mamas, give all your methods and work as a mama to the Lord... He created YOU, He created your babies, give others grace and patience and allow others to change their mind even if they were 100% adamant about a certain method. We should be supportive of each other... moming is already hard enough without having friends or other moms bringing each other down.

Comparison. This is one of the biggest struggles in mom life. The temptation to compare yourself to other families and other moms. Don’t do it. Do your own thing and allow God to use your story right where you are instead of feeling like you need to look or behave or appear the way other people in your life do. The differences God gave us in our giftings and passions and natural bents are for His glory and trying to be like everyone else diminishes our joy and our unique light for the world.

My identity is in Christ. Not in being the perfect mother. Not in Jemma behaving or responding to me in a perfect way. Not in having the perfect home or job or type of success. I can release the need to show perfection to the world and show Christ and my imperfections and Gods grace in the craziness instead (which is so much more refreshing and honest than trying and failing to show perfection).

Make time for things you enjoy. You need this to feel rejuvenated and you need to have things you enjoy OUTSIDE of being a mom. This year with little baby I tried to set SMALL goals each day for personal fun (example: read a little of my book today, write a paragraph, hike...). Even if it was something small, it made me feel like I had some time for me. Even if you sometimes have to bring baby along... something cool about hiking or running or exercising with your kids is that you are also setting that example for them that they can see and have a role model for a healthy lifestyle and why it is good for your body and they will try it and hopefully enjoy it themselves one day!

Make time for your marriage. The priorities in life should be: God, husband, kids. I have to remind myself all the time to really, really try and make sure Tony and I have time to laugh and flirt and talk openly and talk honestly and have time for us so we can be genuinely loving each other and on the same page with parenting.

Flexibility, flexibility, flexibility. This has been a huge lesson for me. Having the expectation of life and situations looking a certain way has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety and I think releasing that and giving it to God has helped me to enjoy Jemma more. Even things like: she has to eat this certain thing or sleep at this certain time or I have to work out or do this certain errand today. Sometimes for me just letting things be easy with flexibility with life with baby has helped me so much. Also realizing that my need for control and anxiousness over not having control is me essentially not giving that trust to God. God is trustworthy and has shown me has faithfulness in the little and big things.

Baseball game example- parenting is HARD. Tony and I really worked hard to talk about how we wanted to parent before we had Jemma so that we felt ready. But honestly it stretches you and having the little life in front of you pushing you to your limits challenges the principles you want to stick with. One little specific example I have for you: don't let baby keep you from at least TRYING to continuing to do the things you love. To me, the best thing you can teach your children is that life is not about them. My firm belief is we should be teaching them about Jesus and loving others. And even when they are even as young as three months old, they can learn that life is not about them and that they are jumping in with our life. But I am so not perfect at this. I once felt so worried about taking Jemma to a baseball game because I was afraid she would cry and not really have a place to go and want to run around. But she LOVED it. She ate her snacks and watched it and watched people and had the best time. It was a reminder to me that I shouldn't let my fears about her keep me from TRYING to go and do what I want to do (within reason). Sometimes, honestly, you can't make it work (baby is losing it, you have to step outside, etc). But TRY to keep living your life! :) :) And ask Jesus to continually give you lots of patience.

There is a lot here with lots of scattered thoughts and snippets but I wanted to put words to what the Lord is teaching me and I hope it helps someone out there. Motherhood is a sweet, sweet gift that I am so thankful for and that God is using every day in my life show me that I am WEAK and He is STRONG. :)

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