It's fun for me to reflect on what I've learned and how I've grown in this last year. The Lord has taught me so much through being a parent. By no means do I have it all together even a little bit and I have learned by failure and misery at times until the Lord has humbled me and gently taught me. I wanted to share in the hopes that future moms or current moms or anyone reading gets some encouragement and reminders of truth through some of my musings.
I decided to split up my thoughts into kind of general things I would share and specific/ practical so here they are (starting with part one, more general themes!):
Biggest thing: my identity and meaning and purpose is found in Christ alone. It is easy to let parenting take over your mind and thoughts and actions and who you are but you will be a better parent when you know who you are in Christ and that is where your energy and love come from.
Christ has to be your rock, not your spouse. There have been so many times where I have been looking to Tony to come up with the solutions to different problems and been frustrated when he can’t provide the answers am I seeking which I have found to be because I have to look to Christ to fufill me, not Tony.
Let your walls down and let others into your mess. Many times we are stubborn and prideful, unwilling to allow others to see that we don’t have it together as parents or just the simple fact that our life is not perfect. Something I’ve learned this year is to let go of that facade and be real about what I need and how others can help with baby or just with life. Confession is huge. Sharing with others how you are struggling and how sin looks in your life and asking others to get on their knees in prayer with you is a practice that invites others into your vulnerability and creates a welcoming space for others to share their struggles too.
Your attitude is your choice no matter what is going on around you. We had some breastfeeding issues with Jemma and my sin got the best of me many of the hard moments. I was angry and tired and frustrated. I didn’t have the bond with Jemma at times because she was screaming and not eating well and I was stressed. But I have learned (through failure over and over) that I always have the choice of how I react in a situation. Whatever external factors are going on, I always have the choice as to my attitude in that situation and I cannot blame others or the situation for my response. If I choose to be grumpy and mean and angry, that is my choice and it is not Tony or Jemma or anyone else that is forcing me to have that attitude. In the counseling world, this is a huge life changing theory and it is also biblically based in that we should take responsibility for ourselves and our sin. We need Christ but we have choices in our attitude.
Let go of the need to control and let it be ok that others might do things different than you (aunts, grandparents, friends who watch your kids, etc). It is so hard to do sometimes because you get used to a certain way that you like to do things with your child but I have seen the beauty in allowing others to love on Jemma in their own way and to try and free myself of the need to control all the things when I’m not with her (feeding, sleeping, playing routines, etc).
Let go of the need for things to be clean and perfect.
Judgement: I did everything I said I wouldn't... or most things hahaha. My basic point here is just to stop the judgement and love others well. Someday you could be the mama in the back of the plane with the screaming baby or trying out different methods of work/ mom balance or sleeping or feeding methods or discipline methods. Have grace mamas, have patience mamas, give all your methods and work as a mama to the Lord... He created YOU, He created your babies, give others grace and patience and allow others to change their mind even if they were 100% adamant about a certain method. We should be supportive of each other... moming is already hard enough without having friends or other moms bringing each other down.
Comparison. This is one of the biggest struggles in mom life. The temptation to compare yourself to other families and other moms. Don’t do it. Do your own thing and allow God to use your story right where you are instead of feeling like you need to look or behave or appear the way other people in your life do. The differences God gave us in our giftings and passions and natural bents are for His glory and trying to be like everyone else diminishes our joy and our unique light for the world.
My identity is in Christ. Not in being the perfect mother. Not in Jemma behaving or responding to me in a perfect way. Not in having the perfect home or job or type of success. I can release the need to show perfection to the world and show Christ and my imperfections and Gods grace in the craziness instead (which is so much more refreshing and honest than trying and failing to show perfection).
Make time for things you enjoy. You need this to feel rejuvenated and you need to have things you enjoy OUTSIDE of being a mom. This year with little baby I tried to set SMALL goals each day for personal fun (example: read a little of my book today, write a paragraph, hike...). Even if it was something small, it made me feel like I had some time for me. Even if you sometimes have to bring baby along... something cool about hiking or running or exercising with your kids is that you are also setting that example for them that they can see and have a role model for a healthy lifestyle and why it is good for your body and they will try it and hopefully enjoy it themselves one day!
Make time for your marriage. The priorities in life should be: God, husband, kids. I have to remind myself all the time to really, really try and make sure Tony and I have time to laugh and flirt and talk openly and talk honestly and have time for us so we can be genuinely loving each other and on the same page with parenting.
Flexibility, flexibility, flexibility. This has been a huge lesson for me. Having the expectation of life and situations looking a certain way has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety and I think releasing that and giving it to God has helped me to enjoy Jemma more. Even things like: she has to eat this certain thing or sleep at this certain time or I have to work out or do this certain errand today. Sometimes for me just letting things be easy with flexibility with life with baby has helped me so much. Also realizing that my need for control and anxiousness over not having control is me essentially not giving that trust to God. God is trustworthy and has shown me has faithfulness in the little and big things.
Baseball game example- parenting is HARD. Tony and I really worked hard to talk about how we wanted to parent before we had Jemma so that we felt ready. But honestly it stretches you and having the little life in front of you pushing you to your limits challenges the principles you want to stick with. One little specific example I have for you: don't let baby keep you from at least TRYING to continuing to do the things you love. To me, the best thing you can teach your children is that life is not about them. My firm belief is we should be teaching them about Jesus and loving others. And even when they are even as young as three months old, they can learn that life is not about them and that they are jumping in with our life. But I am so not perfect at this. I once felt so worried about taking Jemma to a baseball game because I was afraid she would cry and not really have a place to go and want to run around. But she LOVED it. She ate her snacks and watched it and watched people and had the best time. It was a reminder to me that I shouldn't let my fears about her keep me from TRYING to go and do what I want to do (within reason). Sometimes, honestly, you can't make it work (baby is losing it, you have to step outside, etc). But TRY to keep living your life! :) :) And ask Jesus to continually give you lots of patience.
There is a lot here with lots of scattered thoughts and snippets but I wanted to put words to what the Lord is teaching me and I hope it helps someone out there. Motherhood is a sweet, sweet gift that I am so thankful for and that God is using every day in my life show me that I am WEAK and He is STRONG. :)
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