This is how I feel about God's Word. Sometimes it is like a fresh, spring rain, like a renewing, cleansing, restoring drink that I am desperate for on a searing hot day. Other times the lessons, the stories, they whisper quietly, delicately, they take their time, they gently find their way in. Sometimes I choose to be a selective listener to God's Word, hearing what I want to hear, forcing out what I don't want to process.
In the end, the truth finds its way. Sometimes it is the same lesson, glaring back at me, staring at me again and again. I think I have conquered it, "I got this now, God, I get it!" and then there it is again, seconds later, reminding me my heart has not quite conquered all that it once thought. My sinful beast of a heart makes its ugly appearance once again. Truth is curious like that. I have come to believe that I always have the victory of Christ in my mind, heart, and soul, but there are lessons that nag at me and will until the day I meet my Savior and I get to let go completely of the wrestling with sin.
I have been fidgeting with a few lessons lately, turning them over in my mind, exploring.
One is humility. I once heard a definition of humility that will forever stick with me. It was one of those instant lessons, the kind you soak in and feed on, you never forget. Humility, the speaker said, is seeing yourself rightly through God's eyes, seeing yourself exactly as God sees you. We can lean to one side or the other and we do this often, daily, moment by moment.
One side is seeing yourself as higher than God sees you, a "god" in your own right. This is the boastful, prideful, arrogant, self-seeking side. The side that wants to direct every conversation to how awesome we are. The side that wants to believe that every accomplishment we have achieved in life is because WE did it. That scholarship, that job, that award, that promotion, how "good" (but not) our children are, how "perfect" (but not) our marriage and home is, all ME. "I don't need you God, I got this, can't you see I've handled it this far and done a pretty stinking amazing job so far", this side says. "God is an afterthought, I get to lead my life, I get to make my own choices, I clearly know the best way", this side says. This is the side that is not choosing to believe and see that it is God and only God to whom the glory belongs for everything we have in life, down to our very breath by breath. This side of humility is the pride side. And man, do we all ever struggle with it. If we can ever actually admit it.
The other side of humility though, is the forgotten cousin. The neglected, less talked about side of humility. This is the side that believes it is worthless, a failure, it can't do anything right. This is the side that pushes away compliments. "I don't deserve compliments, I'm a mess up", this side says. This side does not see that God spent time creating us all uniquely and with no mistake, with talents, gifts, and abilities, some we may choose not to see or believe, but certainly there. This side is not seeing that believing you are worthless is just as much sinful, self seeking thinking as the most despicably arrogant person we know. Dwelling on our failures and mess ups is false humility. Humility is not believing we are worthless, it lies in knowing our worth in Christ.
Whichever way we lean is dangerous, a spiraling path of self indulgent thinking. I see this scale of humility in my life thought by thought, battling. True humility is seeing ourselves exactly as God sees us: worthy of love, a child of God, washed clean of sin, ready to walk in faithfulness to our Father.
Another lesson I am learning is about believing God is who He says he is. Believing it with who I am and living it out with my actions and thoughts. One thing my pastor says is that we can often live as a "functional" atheist, saying with our mouth that we believe God but living our lives with no love or obedience to Him, no sorrow for our sin or desire for repentance.
Another truth bomb I am grappling with is making plans. I am a planner, an organizer. I LOVE it. Last summer, I organized the entire house, even labeled the fridge and snuck into Tony's closet. He tolerated it. :) I love making plans and seeing them through. I love setting a goal, crossing off the to do list. But the truth bomb question is: do I want God or do I want my best laid plans? That is what our pastor asked us today. We can plan all day. We can Pinterest our plans, we can talk to our friends about our plans, we can dream in our little moments throughout the day. We can picture the life we want, making steps towards it each day. But when God throws something at us out of left field, how do we respond? Do we choose to believe our plans are still better? Do we choose what we want or do we choose to believe that God wants what is best for us? Do we actually believe that God wants what is best for us? Do we believe that when we give up our plans, we aren't actually giving up at all, but choosing the better life?
You can see why these are lessons that tear at me. Lessons that have to ooze and trickle their way in, and never quite permeate.
God, I'm desperate for you. Help me, help me. Help me believe your plans are always, always, always, incomparably, unimaginably better than my plans for myself. Help me see myself as you see me, to believe you are God, and to believe your words about me are true.
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