You might think that due to the fact that I am paying for my classes and working to counsel people professionally I might not want to share what I am learning but the opposite is true. My heart is spilling with new knowledge that I can't help but share with everyone I come in contact with. I use what I am learning every day in my own life and in daily conversation. I want everyone to learn what I am learning.
I can't help but share one of the biggest themes I have learned this year which is about "rules". Something we learn through our counseling classes is that you have to go back to go forward. What rules or ways of thinking are ingrained in you due to how you were raised? We call these "life rules". Parents teach us all kinds of things about life. From the very moment we are born, we look to the face of our mother to determine what we should think or feel: Is this fall worth a big cry? Is this broccoli okay to eat? Is this stove hot?
We learn the tiny lessons and the big lessons from our parents.
Rules can be simple: Always say please and thank you. Take out the trash when it is full.
Sometimes, rules can be more complex in nature: Nothing but perfection is acceptable. Only a size zero is beautiful. The only career worth having is medical school.
Sometimes, rules can be devastating: Don't talk to dad when he is drunk. Everything mom says is right no matter what. When you are angry, get violent, it helps. The more make up and less clothes you wear, the prettier you are. Sexual appeal is what makes you worthy of love.
Rules can be indirectly or directly taught. Directly: Don't run with scissors. Indirectly: No adult is trustworthy because every adult I know has abused, neglected, or manipulated me for something they wanted.
As a future counselor, one of the first things I will do with my clients is work through their past. What rules or life lessons have been taught that need to be unraveled. How do they affect us today? As I said earlier, we often have to go back to go forward. We have to talk about the painful stuff, the hurt, in order that we might unravel what is going on in our thinking right now.
I will never forget the first time our professor taught us this lesson. She gave us a list of various measures of rules taught in our home growing up. For example, pick one: "In your home, were there no rules, rules were reasonable, or rules were strictly enforced" or "complete freedom in choices, you are free to make your choice within limits, or choices are made for you".
She then had us discuss our childhoods. It was clear that we were going to evaluate our parents. There was immediate tension in the room. This activity was extremely difficult due to the fact that in almost every home, we are taught to respect our parents and believe what they say and do is right and we should obey them.
It led me to much thinking about parenthood: every parent is going to fail their child at some time. Probably every day if we are being honest. In some way, as we grow up and model after our parents, we will fail. Admitting that our parents who have spent every second of their lives encouraging, challenging, loving, pushing, and teaching us are capable of messing up and failing is hard.
Which is why the gospel is so cool. The gospel of Jesus Christ says: come as you are. We are all sinners, we all mess up, no one, not a single person is perfect. Instead of modeling after our parents, who are sinners and will fail no doubt, we can model after Christ, who is perfect. All parents can breathe a sigh of relief. Jump into this parent thing knowing you are going to fail and it is OKAY. We can do out best to love our children, to teach them patience, kindness, joy, and serving others. But we can also visibly show them that we can apologize when we mess up because we aren't perfect. We can show them how much in need of Christ we all are and how amazing it is to have a savior.
Life rules are one of the many lessons I am learning as I seek to be a future counselor. It is the stuff I can't help but keep talking about. Everyone needs to know. Unraveling life rules you have been taught can help you have some huge breakthroughs in your way of thinking in the present. I am thankful to have had two incredibly loving parents. I respect, admire, and love my parents so much. I know from my short time in child protection that there are many families that are dysfunctional, manipulative, and destructive. Parenthood is a huge responsibility but one that is made distinctively easier when the goal is to point your babies to Christ. My mom was a single mom from my eighth grade year on and I am so thankful for her example of a woman who loves the Lord fiercely and relentlessly through whatever life may bring. She inspires me. But I don't expect her to be perfect. I don't expect myself or anyone I know to be perfect as a parent. If you expect perfection out of yourself or others, you are in for a lot of pain. What I admire most is a person who can humbly admit when they are wrong. Because we all are. We desperately need Jesus.
Thank you, Father, for releasing us from the need to be perfect and right. We are not perfect or right all the time, and we need you, oh how we need you. Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of the cross.
Thankful for my family and the life rules taught in this home. We aren't perfect but we love Jesus.
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