But what I am finding in my own counseling is that those phrases are so far from boring. They bring life, restoration, and peace. I used to think that these words were like an equation. One had to be said after the other. If one of them wasn't said, it was incomplete. A lot of my interactions involving HURT revolved around these phrases: I hurt you, I say sorry, You hurt me, I forgive you.
Of course, real life is so much more complex than the recess playground forced "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you"s. And I am so glad that it is because I have learned more out of the complexity, the richness, the depth.
"If possible, as far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." Romans 12:18
As far as it depends on you. As far as it depends on you. As far as it depends on you.
To put it in a nutshell, what I am learning is that these phrases are about our own selves, not the other person. We can say that we are sorry for hurting someone. And we should, willingly and joyfully, especially when we know Jesus Christ and see what He has done for us. But the response of the person we are saying sorry to is up to them. They can choose to reject our apology or get angry or defensive or they can accept it and forgive us. Whatever they choose, our job is to do our part. As far it depends on you. And we can leave the rest to God and let it go. We cannot control the people around us or their responses.
The same goes for forgiveness. Forgiveness is about our story and our journey. Forgiveness is about recognizing when someone has hurt us and caused us pain and letting go of the hurt and bitterness. We can choose to seek restoration by letting others know that they have hurt us but also letting them know that we have chosen to forgive them. But forgiveness is still about our journey of letting go. Letting go of the need to hate and to hurt and to hold on to pain. No matter how a person responds when you forgive them, it doesn't change the fact that you have forgiven them. A person may respond hatefully when you say you have forgive them. That is their choice. It doesn't negate your forgiveness.
Sometimes forgiving someone in person in a face to face setting is not practical. For example, if the person you need to forgive has passed away, you cannot see them in person. But you can still forgive them. You can write a letter to them and read it out loud. Again, forgiveness is about YOUR journey. YOUR process of letting go of bitterness. Sometimes the process of forgiveness might be more traumatic than purposeful. For example, forgiving your rapist in person. But in almost all cases of hurt, I feel that the Lord calls us to seek restoration, to seek peace. In person. Face to face. Speaking out loud. "To live peaceably with all". The enemy wants division, tension, conflict, hate, anger. The Lord desires peace and restoration.
Other things I am learning are that forgiveness doesn't mean that what the person did to you was right. It doesn't condone or support or defend what they did to you. But you can still forgive them. Forgiveness also doesn't mean the common phrase "forgive and forget". You don't have to have amnesia and pretend like it didn't happen. But you can forgive them.
You can forgive a person even if they never apologize for what they did or try to manipulate you or make excuses. Again, your forgiveness does not depend on the other person's response.
This is powerful and huge and changing the way I see myself and others. It is changing the way I see pain and hurt. And it is reminding me that things might be out of my control, but I am in control of my life and the way that I respond. I am in control of my thoughts and emotions.
People often see conflict and argument and hurt as the worst possible thing. Avoid it. Run away. OR Fight back. Revenge. Hurt back. Neither of those options are what God asks of us. Even if you don't believe in God, forgiveness has been statistically shown to decrease anxiety and bring greater life satisfaction. Conflict allows us to see others in a new light. Often, relationships can grow deeper after conflict. Everyone can recognize they are not perfect. We are all messy, imperfect, sinful beings. We hurt each other. We misunderstand. We cause pain. But we are also capable of great love, of great compassion, of great mercy, of great forgiveness.
We can still be in relationship and have had conflict. We don't need to be bitter and count up past hurt and past wrongs. We don't need to do that because not a single person is perfect. We can stop adding up all the ways someone has hurt us and we can start letting go, for our own good, for our own journey, for our own moving forward.
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