I've recently been exploring exactly what forgiveness is. How do you know when to forgive? How do you know if you have truly forgiven someone? Should you always tell someone that you have forgiven them? How often should we forgive someone, even the same person and same situation?
I had an enlightening conversation with my sister in law Holly this summer about this topic and later explored it further with my mom.
Some basic conclusions I am coming to:
1) The need for forgiveness exists when someone has hurt you or wronged you. This seems simple, however, it is an easily forgotten step one. You know if you need to forgive someone when you begin to dwell on a wrong done to you. This wrong could make you feel angry, sad, or self righteous. Whatever the feelings are, forgiveness is needed. In my own life, I begin to think over and over situations, and how exactly what that person said or did was wrong. I ruminate on the situation and often this leads to anger. This is sinful.
2) The bible tells us that we should seek PEACE as believers. It also tells us that our relationships and friendships should be marked by our love for one another and that this sets us apart as believers.
3) Our desire for forgiveness should spill out from the core of our understanding of the character of our Father and the sacrifice made by Jesus. As a believer, your understanding of the gospel starts with step A: I am a sinner and step B: I need a savior. Jesus forgave us our sins. The understanding of that sacrifice is what should lead us to a heart of forgiveness towards other people and the hurts they have inflicted on us. We are not in any way, shape, or form BETTER than anyone else. So holding on to bitterness is only hurting us, not the other person. Forgiveness is one step away from all of us. One phone call, one touch of the hand, one visit back home, one simple word.
Colossians 3:13: "Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."
4) I have found that true forgiveness does not ever happen once. You don't just say to someone, hey, you have hurt me, but I forgive you. End of that. No, it never happens that simply. I believe that true forgiveness is an over and over again, every single time the sinful, self righteous feelings come up kind of thing. You have to have an understanding of forgiveness that leaves room for the fact that your every day life may be affected by something another has done to you. Every time you feel angry, sad, upset, self righteous, you need to ask the Lord for the heart to forgive that person. It is a daily, sometimes minute by minute battle.
My dad committed suicide on March 23, 2003 when I was in the 8th grade. He had a cancer that was eating him away inside and wanted to end his life. The decision he made has forever impacted my life and the life of my Mom, sister, and others around him.
Mostly, I just miss him. I wish he could meet Tony. I wish he could've seen me graduate from high school, college, and I always wonder what he would've said about me moving to Alaska.
It is a process of forgiving him that I encounter every day. I think about him often and wonder how different our lives would be had he not made that decision. My anger bubbles up, but mostly I just miss my Dad. Forgiveness is something that has to take place in my own heart, on a minute to minute basis. He is not alive today, so I can't talk to him about his decision.
I believe forgiveness is precious enough to fight for. I do believe that if there is someone in your life that you need to forgive, that it should be your number one priority to work through those feelings and get to a place where you can confront that person about the hurt they have caused you, and forgive them. I do believe that if you feel a hurt from someone who is still living, you should confront that person. I think you have to be careful not to come out of a place of wanting retaliation or revenge or just to tell that person how much they suck. It has to be a from a place of true forgiveness, of wanting the best for that person and also for wanting to work through your own feelings and not hold on to bitterness.
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32
How incredibly hard this is. But, we serve a Father who as the Word tells us, makes things possible that are impossible for men. And I believe that forgiveness is about looking outside of yourself and your hurt and turning to the cross, where we are forever forgiven our sins. God is a God of miracles, of wrongs made right. He is making all things new. And I believe it starts with us. And forgiveness. Beautiful forgiveness.
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