Every little girl dreams of the day they will one day marry their prince charming. We imagine the dress and the flowers and the church and our prince riding on a beautiful white stallion to rescue us, save us, marry us, and then take us to a little white house where we live happily ever after.
Then you get a little older, and start to realize that you aren’t actually a princess and that the boys around you aren’t actually princes. They’re stinky and weird and like getting dirty and don’t know how to talk to girls.
Then, you get even older, and you start to actually like boys. Crushes start, you start learning to get your flirt on, and maybe start figuring out dating. (What?! Says my fifth grade self) It’s true. The Lord designed us to desire each other.
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27
Here is what’s crazy: as soon as you get to college and in the single/ seriously dating stage, marriage becomes a fairy tale again. You start to think that all of your problems would be solved if only ________ (fill in the blank with crush of your choice) likes you and (hopefully!) marries you. If you are dating someone, you spend your time/ thoughts/ worries wishing and praying that _______ (fill in your boyfriend’s name) would please please please get his act together, get down on one knee, and all of your relationship woes and problems will instantly (ZAP!) disappear.
Now, I’m not a Debbie downer. I’m not here to take away the “Happily Ever After”. I’m definitely not the girl who tells all my single friends to enjoy it while it lasts. And I’m absolutely, positively not the girl who ever wants to pat the newlyweds on the back and says, “Oh, you’re newlyweds. Just wait.”, as if we are so naïve to ever get close to understanding true love. As if we are not going to continue to choose to love each other 20 years from now because we are tired and worn out. As if some mystery in our lifetime is going to reveal itself later about who we are and change everything.
The truth is marriage really is a fairy tale, a daily romance, a beautiful unending pursuit. Being married brings you so much closer to understanding grace and the gospel. It is a real life ever after, created by the God of the universe who desires our good. Especially when you understand sacrificial love. My desire is to paint a picture of true marriage, the real story.
So here’s the hard, cold truth: we are SINNERS. We were born that way. Thank you, Adam and Eve. And I know this might come as a shock to you, but you’re a sinner too. That’s right. SIN. Ick. YOU. It’s not just something that happens every now and then, when you drink too much or gossiped last week. Nope, we live, breathe, and will sin. We’re soaked in it. We love lying, we love being lazy and mean and hurtful. In fact, we hurt others on purpose. Even more, we love ourselves. We want to win, we want to be right, we want to have it all.
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23
Welcome to marriage :). Mix all that sick sin stuff up with someone else who loves to sin and you’ve got a recipe for exactly what God had in mind for marriage. He knew exactly what He was doing, and I praise Him for it. Let me explain what the true happily ever after is.
“For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin… For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” Romans 6:14, 18-19
Here’s the deal, when you’re married, you get to see your selfishness and sin hurt someone else. You see it take its toll clearly in front of you. That, to me, was one of the most surprising things about marriage. I can’t tell you how many fights Tony and I had and how we had to learn to forgive each other afterwards for truly hurting each other. I have to say sorry at least seven times a day. This is what marriage is about: sacrificial love.
I believe there is this certain kind of myth about self sacrifice. It is painted as this glorified, easy, perfect, forever promise when you’re standing at the altar. Of course I will sacrifice for you, I love you, you’re my husband and my best friend!
Oh, if it was only that easy. You see, true sacrifice hurts. It really hurts. Stings. Cuts you to the core. When we are truly self sacrificing, we lay down our needs, wants, desires, will for the one we love. Sounds easy when you write the words.
Try loving someone when they don’t want affection or love. Try loving someone when you are so hurt and angry you can’t even look that person in the eye. Try loving someone on the days you start to doubt and question why you even started in the first place.
Self sacrifice is when the one you love is the one destroying, hurting, and continually attacking you, and you have to chose to respond in forgiveness, to respond in a way that brings them back into fellowship with you or find a way to maintain fellowship with them even in the midst of their ugliness, their sin. Even to your own detriment or hurt. Even when in your mind, you go above and beyond and they do nothing. Even when you are all give, give, give, give and you get nothing in return except take, take, take.
Marriage is about acting on TRUTH and God’s word instead of emotions. Our feelings can create for us a false reality, driven by our instinct of self-preservation. When we set ourselves aside, we are choosing to love despite what we get in return. We are choosing to act not on our feelings (because the feeling of being “in love” can go away instantly), but rather the truth that we made a commitment to lay down our lives to love our husband or wife.
“Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and truth.” 1 John 3:18
With this commitment in mind, we choose to make the first move after the big fight, choose to continue to serve, choose to break the silence, choose to ask the hard questions, and actively choose to have a heart that desires to do the things that we don’t want to do, no matter what.
Because the real story is not about our marriage and our story, but about Jesus Christ. There is an eternal hope, which is salvation. The real fairy tale is that sin isn’t the end of the story. Christ came to save us from our sin, to forgive us, and bring us back into communion with the Lord.
“But God, being which in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ- by grace you have been saved.” Ephesians 2: 4-5
In marriage, we look to Christ as our example. We forgive, we keep loving, because He first loved us. We are no longer slaves to sin. Our LIFE, true LIFE is in Christ. It is a reality fairy tale. We are forgiven, made clean, made new, and when we die, that is not the end. Because we have a Savior who died that we might live in eternity, who died that our sin rules us no longer.
“Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:1-2
So there you go, the real story of marriage. Kind of crazy, huh? Sin sucks. Good thing that our stories, our lives, our marriages are being written by our great Father, the Master of the universe, who in grace offers us a life that, in His hands, truly is:
Happily Ever After…
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